Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
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My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup