“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
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You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”