*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
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Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
April 1st is the class clown of days.
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm