They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
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I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.