If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
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Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
*performs CPR on the turkey*
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.