He was looking for a job and then he found a job
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[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
This is me
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.