My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
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How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.