flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
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I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*