My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
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I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.