“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
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Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
me, too, girl. me, too.
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
Anyone want a chair?
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
i want the dreams to chase me for once
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.