When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
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[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
Finally!
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???