Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
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[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
He’s dead
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.