Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
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date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”