him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
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[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”