I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
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There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence