I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
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15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!