Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
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‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.