Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
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Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.