Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
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still the best tweet of the year by far
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie