[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
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ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.