If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
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Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
men, we mow at sunrise.
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.