me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
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“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
The human body is 70% water and 30% land