Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
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our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
Smile they said.
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *