So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
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People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
I’m tired tomorrow.
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”