Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
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her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
Tell me you get it…🤣
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on