People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
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[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
Great Canadian literature.
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??