Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
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date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
you have three unread messages
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
These are my roll models.
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes