Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
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Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.