turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages đ
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Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
I have a riddle about lice but itâs a real head scratcher
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to âmake me pretty,â to which she responded, dead serious, âyouâre ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.â So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] whatâs the last thing you stepped on
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesnât assume Iâm planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like Iâm researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
Guys, if she says âwell thatâs entirely up to youâ… it really isnât.
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
imagine when the stars that make orionâs belt die and his pants fall down
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that Iâm so hot I shouldnât have to work
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*