The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
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Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now