It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
You Might Also Like
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.