I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
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day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
Cardio Made Easy
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*