I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
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When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
craving $300 all of a sudden
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
This is true.
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you