I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
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Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
My hips? Compulsive liars.
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet