CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
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My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?