Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
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Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
Just a bush.
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.