Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
You Might Also Like
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
Mornin
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.