sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
You Might Also Like
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
Potatoes were such a good idea
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.