If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
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Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
They got Raph!
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.