Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
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[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.