“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
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[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
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please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry