[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
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hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
Trying
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
ME (calling my horse with no name):
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.