If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
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The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
💁🏻♂️
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
My love language is deader than Latin
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.