a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
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In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.