WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
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Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
Meanwhile in Portland…
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
TWEET CALL
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The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.