Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
You Might Also Like
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.