[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
You Might Also Like
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.