My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
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Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
Ion see the issue
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday