[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
You Might Also Like
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions