I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
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Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
Meeeee too!
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
How to properly lift a body